I am really angry right now. Pissed actually. And I’m embarrassed to put that in writing because I REALLY don’t like to be seen when I’m pissed. But being open with the messy parts of me is the point of this blog so I am putting this here as proof to myself that I can (at least try) to show up for myself. To not hide. I’m allowed to have this terrible ugly feeling. It’s what I do with it that matters.
Its not a flattering look (at ALL!) on me. I am not one of those cool girls who make angry look sexy. On me anger looks like smeared make-up under squinting eyes, clenched teeth fighting hot tears that run down my cheeks anyway, hard swallows through tight lips, burrowed eyebrows and clenched fists that cause tingly fingertips. It’s like the burn of anger is seeping out of my body wherever it can and my body is doing everything it can to hold it back. Its not good and I look ridiculous. Because I’m not an actual fighter. I’m not violent in any sense of the word. I don’t like anger. I’m not comfortable with it. And I just wish it would go away.
But I’ve learned that anger has just as much of a purpose as any other emotion. I just have to look at it, confront it head on, and not just react and act on it. Think it through. Feel it out. But I’m really not thrilled. And he can just walk away and go to sleep like its nothing.
I feel betrayed. I have been working so fucking hard to try and figure out what is wrong with me. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in a “we all contribute to situations that aren’t ideal, what is my role in this current stage of marriage that feels less than ideal?” kind of way. And my effort has been genuine, full force, passionate. I WANT to do whatever I can do to make us the best us. I want to understand me so I can better explain me to him. Its worth it to me for me, and its worth it to me for him.
But what good is that if all my hard work – my big bright eyed conclusions about myself -are meaningless to him? And what good is it if the results of my efforts are never enough? And although I can’t assume why they never seem to be enough….I can tell you how it feels to me. It feels like my personal soul searching results are not enough, and therefore feel disappointing, is because they don’t relieve his part of the deal. He still has work to do too.
Marriage is hard. LIFE is hard. I expect us to struggle. But I also expect us to tackle it together. To come up with a game plan, an approach, a strategy, a play book for the different types of situations we may come across. To put as much effort into our love and happiness as he puts into fantasy football. The stakes are too high. I didn’t expect to feel like I’m winging it. And I am most certainly don’t want to be winging it alone.
Lately, the more I try, the more I feel like I am validating to him that this is all my fault or my job to fix. It feels like I’m somehow giving him a pass to blame me or rely on me for answers instead of looking inward. It feels like since I’m working on things, then it must be the fault is on me. So if I get my act together things should just be better, right? And even if I’m wrong about that being how he sees it (because when we talk about these things I start to feel crazy), when was the last time he actually dedicated mental, physical, emotional, psychological time and effort to TRYING to understand himself? Where is his effort? Where is the time, energy, attention to taking a good long look at yourself in the mirror to figure out how HE contributes to “situations that aren’t ideal, what is my role in this current stage of marriage that feels less than ideal?.” And then communicating that understanding of himself to me so WE can try to make things better for us?
And I get that life is happening. But I expect us to be a priority. I’m not going to sugarcoat that.
And then…if and when he do have an epiphany, will he accept it, take ownership of it, and grow? Because it has seemed like instead of looking at it as an opportunity to grow, he just feels sorry for himself. Or even sorry for me because of himself. “I’m sorry I’m not perfect because I really truly meant to be.” But that doesn’t help anything. It doesn’t seem like he actually steps UP and DOES something WITH me about it. And don’t get me wrong, these issues are not HIS fault. They are OURS. And they are NOT relationship breaking or life changing right now. But I HATE this pattern. It terrifies me.
Because I can ONLY do my part. No matter how empathetic I try to be- I’m not HIM. My soul searching ABOUT him (which I do to make sure that I DON’T blame him and to take make sure that I do take full responsibility for my part in things) doesn’t take the place of him doing his own soul searching. Me doing my part doesn’t cover or excuse him having to do his and me doing my part doesn’t help me understand how I can do my part better BASED on what he finds out about yourself.
I feel better after writing. Still pissed, and not thrilled, but I feel better. I still can’t bring myself upstairs though. Which is interesting. Its strange to me how he can just end interactions. End situations. And just be done No conclusion….no resolution…no anything. Not even an agreement to not resolve it and pick it up at some other time. Not even an agreement that it should be resolved, or picked up again, ever. He just decides that its over. And I……….Just get to deal with it.
Time for bed. It will all be ok it the morning. (Except when it isn’t…because it’s not….and it comes up again….).
Thanks for letting me vent, I’m TRYING to Embrace the Mess right now. Struggling…..
~Be Gentle. Be Beautiful. Embrace the Mess.